Description
We all feel the pressure to measure up. Whether it is at work, on social media, or just in our social circles, we share a deep desire to be respected, to stand out, and to feel important. It is easy to feel flawed or shallow for caring so much about what others think. We often dismiss these feelings as vanity or insecurity. But the truth is much deeper. This constant chase for approval is not a personal weakness or a modern cultural problem. It is a fundamental part of our biology.
Our brains are hardwired to care about social status. This drive is an ancient instinct, one that has been built into us for millions of years. It is a powerful force, shaping our behavior in ways we rarely notice. Once you understand this, you can start to see this feeling for what it is: a leftover instinct from your ancient mammalian past. You are not flawed for wanting to feel important; you are simply human.
To understand why we care so much about status, we have to look back in time. Long before humans existed, mammals were already competing for social position. After their basic needs for food and safety were met, they spent their energy trying to climb the social ladder. A higher status meant a better chance of survival. It gave them first access to food and other resources, and it gave them more opportunities to find a mate. They were not thinking about this consciously. Nature simply designed their brains to make it feel incredibly good to gain status and incredibly bad to lose it.
A great way to understand this is to compare mammals to reptiles. Reptiles generally leave their young to survive on their own. They have many offspring, and the species survives simply because a few of them will make it. Mammals are different. We have fewer babies and must invest a lot of time and energy to protect and nurture them. This required a brand-new kind of brain, one that could form powerful bonds, learn from others, and build complex social groups. But with social groups came a new challenge: finding your place within them. This is where the status game truly began.
This entire system runs on two powerful brain chemicals: serotonin and cortisol. They are the engine of our social lives, constantly pulling us in different directions. Serotonin is our brain’s reward system. You get a small burst of it every time you feel important, respected, or admired. That warm, satisfying feeling of achievement is serotonin telling your brain, “This is good. Do more of this.” The problem is that serotonin fades very quickly. To feel good again, you are left chasing the next win, the next compliment, or the next moment where you feel like you are ahead. Your brain starts to build pathways, pushing you to repeat whatever gave you that last hit.
On the other side is cortisol, which is our brain’s internal alarm system. It evolved to protect us from real, physical danger, like a predator. In the modern world, however, this alarm gets triggered by social threats. When you feel dismissed, left out, criticized, or snubbed, your brain floods your system with cortisol. This is the feeling of anxiety, panic, or social discomfort. It may not be life-threatening, but your ancient brain often cannot tell the difference. It just feels bad, and it wants the feeling to stop immediately. Your brain remembers what caused that bad feeling and quietly steers you away from that situation or person in the future, even if it is not logical.
We do not just learn from our own wins and losses. Our brains are also equipped with something called mirror neurons. These special cells fire not only when we do something, but also when we watch someone else do something. When you see a colleague get praised in a meeting, your brain feels a little bit of their serotonin reward. When you see someone get embarrassed, you feel a shadow of their cortisol alarm. We are constantly learning the rules of the social game just by watching others. This is how social norms and trends spread so quickly. We learn what is “in” and what is “out” without even trying.
So, we are all trapped in this game, run by ancient chemicals. What can we do? The answer is not to fight the instinct or pretend you do not care about status. That often leads to feeling resentful or invisible. The first step is simply to accept that this drive is a normal part of your wiring. You are not weak for wanting to be recognized; you are just human. Once you accept your inner mammal, you can stop being controlled by it. You can learn to work with it, rather than be ruled by it.
The goal is to find a “middle path.” This is a balance where you are not obsessively chasing the next status win, but you are also not ignoring your own needs. This path requires constant awareness and adjustment. Some days you might need to push yourself, and other days you will need to rest and disconnect. The key is to check in with yourself and gently steer back to center. It is a skill that gets easier with practice. Instead of chasing the big, flashy wins that bring a temporary serotonin high, you can focus on small, meaningful steps that you are genuinely proud of.
You can also change how you play. Instead of focusing on competing with others, which is a zero-sum game, you can focus on creating. When you build something valuable, solve a difficult problem, or master a new skill, your brain rewards you with dopamine. When you build a genuine connection with someone, it rewards you with oxytocin. These chemicals provide a more stable, lasting sense of well-being than the quick-fading high of serotonin. Creating and connecting also ease your inner mammal’s fear that there is not enough to go around.
Helping others feels good. It gives us a sense of purpose and connection. But we must be honest with ourselves. Sometimes, when we “help” someone, we are unconsciously trying to feel “one-up” or superior. This does not make you a bad person; it is just your mammal brain trying to score a status point. It is easy to project our own feelings onto others, assuming we know what they need. We rush in with advice that worked for us, but it might not be what they need at all.
The truth is, you cannot fix someone else’s problems or rewire their brain for them. The most powerful way to help another person is not through advice, but through your own example. Remember those mirror neurons? People are always watching. When you navigate your own life with a quiet, calm confidence, others see that. When you handle a setback without panicking, you show them it is possible. When you pursue meaningful goals instead of just chasing praise, you give others permission to do the same. Your calm and self-respect become a model that others can learn from, far more powerful than any words you could say.
In the end, this drive for status is a core part of who we are. It is an ancient instinct that helped our ancestors survive. But in the modern world, it can easily lead us into a cycle of stress, anxiety, and constant comparison. Understanding the biology behind it—the serotonin rewards and the cortisol alarms—is the key to freedom. It gives you the power to stop being a puppet to these feelings. You can choose to define success on your own terms. You can focus on real progress, inner calm, and genuine connection. Your brain may be wired for the status game, but you get to decide how—or if—you play.
